The Clutter of Old Love: A Birdwatcher's Diary

by How to Care for Flowers

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1.
I’m a hoarder of antique mirrors But I’d give them all away to just see what’s in front of me The clutter of old love, it speaks to my fears A broken home mistaken for a fortress through the haze of tears And I’m trying not to drown But these heirlooms always weigh me down She’s shrouded in clouds, I saw a vision of a white gown And I know I’ve made my bed And some days I feel I’d be better off dead But every now and then I hear a voice in head, it says: カーテン開けて陽を浴びる また目が痛くなる やめない、絶対諦めない 光が命を繋ぐ Death is approaching Regret is encroaching On a lifetime spent Just wondering where all the good times went Neither laughing nor crying And neither living nor dying I had blocked out the light But I forgot that the sun shines even when my eyes are closed tight Vanity is the killer of identity I’m counting every blemish and I’m losing my humanity Is youth wasted on the young? Well it was wasted on me Between the lines on my face you’ll read a tragedy And all I wanted was some sympathy I wanted to be worth the salvation they were offering I couldn’t love myself so I just changed who “I” was But that me couldn’t last forever Beauty never does カーテン開けて陽を浴びる また目が痛くなる やめない、絶対諦めない 光が命を繋ぐ (心配しないで、過去忘れて 未来を見つめて 後悔、時間もったいない 幸せも痛みも共に) Grasping harder at straws I wanna drink every last drop From the fountain When I should be scaling mountains But I’m sitting here, head in my hands Help me to find the strength to stand On my on two feet Because alone I’m stumbling towards defeat Breathe life into my lungs Untie the noose around my neck Inhale the present, exhale the past This crystal ball is now broken glass Help me escape from memory And I’ll set this note back on the shelf I just want someone to love me I just want to learn to love myself
2.
When you lay me to rest Make sure you dress your best I want to know that you were real Want to remember how to feel One last time before my coffin seals I tried to conquer this disease But it ended up conquering me And yeah know I fucked up But people like me, you know we really never conquer much I spent years learning this language もういらない Just tell me you’ll be there to comfort me through sleepless nights Months now my heart has been beating through my chest It took me too long to realize that I was blessed Every time I fell down You were there to pick me up Now I’m stuck on the ground Or below it 教えて (I pulled the string but not a word was said) Yeah, even if it’s a lie I want to hear you say it anyway So when you lay me to rest Remember to dress your best Be my perfect little princess As you lay me down into my casket My perfect little princess Skin porcelain white Was it you that I loved or the doll that existed in my mind? Every new wrinkle brought a tear to my eye Now both the tears and the wrinkles are mine
3.
I shuffle and I shake Awake I’ve tried to sleep for days now but his presence is too much to take Conducting from the shadows He bends me until I break “I could make it all work if you’d just let me concentrate!” “I can wait” He settles into place, controlling fate She broke more than my heart so now there’s poison on the window pane Ashamed, I try to salvage what I can from what remains But he’s pulling even tighter on the reigns Tell me, who is left to blame? Weakened by the pain, but determined all the same To finally cleanse myself of this curse that I’ve been forced to claim The afterbirth at work, he still haunts me to this day Have I done enough to drive him away? Will it always be this way? In the absence of wings I cling to these strings In his image I was designed By his influence I’m defined His contract is binding Roots deep and winding Intersecting with shame Seasons change but I stay the same Like a great tree that blocks my path I once sought shelter in its shade Now I will set myself free by sharpness of wit or sharpness of blade And I will count its rings One for every year of suffering And yet he’ll never die He’s been reborn so many times He leads me to a lake I gaze down and tears fill my eyes My own worst enemy I let my life pass me by I see my reflection I’m slain by my own hand I was happy And now I just am Who will save me from myself? I’m just a birdwatcher No wings of my own One by one they all fly away from home Until I’m left here alone I’ll reap what I’ve sown

credits

released August 11, 2021

All music, lyrics and production by Ryan Kelly
Guest vocals on "Second-Rate Solutions to First-World Problems" by Chika Kokuba
Cover photo by Geronimo Giqueaux

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